1. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
2. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
3. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
4. You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?
5. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
6. Death is hereditary.
7. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
8. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing
9. When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
10. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
11. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
12. If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
13. Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
14. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
15. If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
16. It doesn’t matters whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
17. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
18. “Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?”
19. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the
next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
20. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
21. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
22. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the
heck is the ceiling?”
23. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Source of these quotes : http://www.indianchild.com/funny_quotes.htm